Stop telling yourself that the grass is greener on the other side, because it’s not. It is greener where you water it. So take control of your life and start watering your own pastures and grow your own greener grasses.
Stop both envying your neighbor’s green grass AND watering your own. We’re in a fucking drought. You can’t sustain that shit. Think beyond the lawn that society told you to want. Put in some native plants that will thrive and bloom with very little water. They might be a little more spiny than what you first planned, but there is great beauty and variety in these hardy survivors. Your yard will be way more interesting and friendly to wildlife than that of the people who took the easy route and poured on water at the expense of other people and organisms. (This has been a California-themed post hijacking.)
No but like along with being literal good advice (GRASS AND LAWNS ARE A TERRIBLE IDEA WE SHOULD REVERSE THIS CULTURAL EXPECTATION NOW) this is also metaphorically good advice (as I’m sure you knew when you posted it).
There are sometimes things that you take for granted that you are just Expected To Want or Do or Be that you don’t actually have to. You’re so used to it you don’t even think about it, but the moment you do a less resource-heavy alternative appears.
On an environmentally friendly level this is a terrible example, but a couple years ago I was talking with my therapist about problems I was having being a functioning human being, and I went on a rant about the dishes and how they stress me out and I feel like I never get them done and then I hate myself and after listening to this whole rant I expected my therapist to give me the normal pep talks about being kind to yourself and taking it on a little bit at a time but instead he just had the most exasperated look on his face and he said,
“Buy some paper plates.”
He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world and I was completely speechlessly thunderstruck.
He said, “As an environmentalist, I am giving you permission for your own health to buy some paper plates. Problem solved.”
I don’t always use paper plates now. My mental health does allow me to keep up with the dishes better than I was (though these days my physical health has started interfering). But when I feel that slipping? I skip the cultural expectation that I should just be doing the dishes all the time. I conserve my (metaphorical, the opposite of literal in this case, sadly) water, and I buy some paper plates.
There a thing that’s ruining your mental health? Your life? It feels like a simple thing that other people can just DO, but you can’t? Often there’s a simpler solution. If you are tired of taking care of your hair, cut it into a pixie cut to save yourself the hassle. Hell, shave it off. You don’t need hair! Google hangout is a great alternative to going out when you want to talk to a friend but aren’t sure you can get yourself out of your house. If food stresses you out, buy shit you can just grab and eat without even having to microwave (I fucking love cottage cheese and vegetables for this exact reason).
You do not have to cook. You don’t have to date or get married. You don’t have to be monogamous if you do want to date or get married. You don’t have to be straight. You don’t have to be a boy or a girl. You don’t have to look a certain way or talk a certain way or eat certain things. You don’t have to go to college. You don’t have to be in that major. You don’t have to own a house. You don’t have to want or have kids. You don’t have to wait for the perfect partner to have kids if you do want them.
It’s such a normal thing to have a lawn that many people don’t even consider the time, money, and water it would save to just get rid of it and replace it with an alternative that takes into account the native environment of where it’s growing. How much easier their life would be without maintaining something that just went there because it was expected with no regard for whether it naturally fit, and instead put in plants that serve the same function but actually thrive and take root with no real effort.
Instead of fighting to maintain expectations, throw away your lawn and plant natively instead. Both literally and metaphorically.
1. Remind yourself that you are not who other people think or say you are.
2. Remind yourself that everybody makes mistakes at times, has areas of weakness, and things they want to change.
3. Remind yourself of ways in which you’ve grown and changed with time. You’re not who you once were – so celebrate how far you’ve come.
4. Also, the ending isn’t written and the future isn’t fixed. You’re free to change your image, and an old identity.
5. Identify the lies you have believed about yourself – and work on changing them so they’re more accurate and true. Also, don’t reinforce those lies by acting like you think they’re true.
6. Remember that your feelings are not the same as facts. Don’t live based on your feelings … as that will keep you trapped.
7. Hang out with those who see, and who appreciate, your worth. And take their words to heart, and let them help to build you up.
people say “if you don’t lower your standards, you’re gonna end up spending your whole life alone!” like being a healthy, happy, financially independent single adult is actually worse than being stuck in an abusive and/or emotionally unfulfilling relationship with someone who isn’t willing/able to meet your needs. like no offense, but I think I’m gonna choose to be happy rather than throwing myself into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.
So my friends have a little boy, he’s like 2.5 and they’re already teaching him about consent. He has this friend at daycare, a little girl, and the other day he wanted to hug her goodbye but she didn’t want him to, and his dad said “No, buddy, not everybody wants hugs and she doesn’t so you have to just wave goodbye.” He was sad and confused for a sec but then he was just like “K bye” and waved. Later that night, he tried to pet the cat but she ran away and he was just like “[cat’s name] just wave bye, not hug!” Like he got it. Immediately. Teach kids about consent as early as possible. They’ll get it.
things I wish someone had told me when I was recently coming to terms with being a woman who isn’t straight:
1) if your first relationship with a girl is messy and you don’t know how to go about it because you had little to no models of healthy w/w relationships around you, and you struggle and struggle and it doesn’t work out and ends badly, it doesn’t mean you’re straight or should’ve stayed straight. it doesn’t mean you’re never going to be happy with a woman. if your first experience, or second experience, or third experience with women isn’t the rosy picture of bliss without any problems or struggles that you pictured it would be, it just means you’re human. don’t hold the concept of relationships with other women up on a pedestal to be perfection; it’s wonderful and great to be with women but it might not save you from the things that are wrong in your life like you fantasized about when you were first coming to grips with your sexuality and it definitely won’t be without struggle because interpersonal relationships aren’t ever without struggle and growth and change.
2) that feeling of panic and “I’m going to be alone forever I’m never going to find another woman who loves me or “I’m not xyz like other gay/bi girls why would anyone want to be my girlfriend” is a normal feeling. no, you aren’t going to be alone forever, but feeling that way is something that nearly every one of us goes through.
3) you may find yourself idolizing the first relationship you have with another woman, you’re so relieved to have that “I’m going to be alone forever” feeling gone and that your sexuality is Real and Validated that you put all of your eggs in that basket and forget that there’s even a possibility of it ending. you might find yourself terrified of that one relationship ending, or have it end and feel like you can’t be alive anymore because the happiness had been so intense. if you’re someone who is also attracted to men, you might feel like these feelings are more intense or more overpowering than any time you’ve been in love before. if you aren’t attracted to men this might have been the first time you felt that way about anyone. and you might find yourself feeling irrationally paranoid that someone’s going to take it away from you. if you break up with your first girlfriend you might find yourself more depressed or angry than you’ve ever been about a breakup before. you’re going to be ok even if this relationship ends. you don’t just get one chance at happiness with a woman. it’s like any other breakup, it’ll suck but you will be alright. take a step back. realize what is healthy and unhealthy about the ways you are dealing. make new ties, heal, grow.
3) if a woman ever treats you abusively it’s ok to call it abuse, and some people in your so-called radical women’s spaces are going to ostracize you for it like the hypocrites they are. some so-called radicals especially in certain separatist spaces are gonna push logic that tells u that abuse is a “just a straight people thing”, that being/staying with a girl is something you do to be radical, not to be happy, and if you “really love women” then gay relationships won’t require any work and will automatically last forever / last longer / be healthy – those are lies, those are idealizations. although yes heterosexuality can propagate more chance of abuse due to misogyny, abuse is not Just a straight people thing, anyone can be an abuser. your abuser doesn’t get let off the hook because she’s also a woman. call it abuse. cut ties with the people who try to push back against that. cut ties with the people who tell you that your sexuality is better as a function of radicalness than of building happy, healthy relationships. realize that any relationship will take work and have flaws. make new ties, heal, grow.
4) it’s ok to not be experienced and to not know what to do. not knowing how flirting, dating, sex, etc is going to be and being nervous about that is a place where all of us are at one point – lesbians and bi women aren’t a herd of super confident, experienced people who are all going to laugh at you or turn you down because you don’t know what you’re doing. it can be intimidating to put yourself out there but you’re allowed to exist in the LGBT dating world / social scene without being experienced, I know that’s a common worry.
5) you don’t have to be attracted to every gay girl you meet, that’s not a reason to second guess your attraction to women. you don’t have to be attracted to or say yes to first girl who asks you out or flirts with you. you don’t have to fall in love with the first girl you like, or the first girl you date. you might feel pressured to hurry up and get into a relationship with a woman, once again to “validate” or “prove” your sexuality but you don’t have to rush to do that. if you come out and don’t find a woman you want to be in a serious relationship with for years that’s ok. if you’re sexually attracted to women and you come out and you don’t have your first sexual experience with a woman for age that’s ok. you should go on dates with / have sex with / get into relationships with people because you’re attracted to them, you want to, you’re excited about it, not because you’re trying to fill a hole where you think certain experiences should go ASAP. if Get A Girlfriend Right Now is your core goal you’re going to end up forcing yourself into interactions that aren’t sincere, which is not only dishonest but also doesn’t help at ALL with the whole second-guessing if you like women internalized homophobia thing.
6) if you have unrequited feelings for someone you’re not evil, you’re not pathetic and you’re not going to spend your whole life unhappy and stuck. best friends, straight women, people who live far away from you.. sometimes it can seem like you can’t seem to fall for someone in your reach. that’s normal too. you won’t be stuck forever. and you aren’t terrible, you aren’t predatory or a burden, your feelings aren’t a curse on those around you. you’re a person.
this is is ok to reblog and add on to if you have other tips / things that you want to say; I just wanted to make a post reaching out to women who a) recently realized their sexuality, b) have known their sexuality but don’t have much experience or c) are feeling isolated or unsure of themselves.
I think that we’re under this constant pressure to achieve success in our twenties because, as women, our youth is seen as our prime but there are so many women who go on to do great things later in life like Ava DuVernay didn’t pick up a camera until she was 33 and now she’s in her 40s and her career is just beginning her next feature film has a budget of over $100 million
the fucked up thing about job interviews is that everybody Knows that youre just there because you need money to stay alive, everyone Knows that the companys interests are in your mind secondary at best to you having a home and not starving, but they still need to hear you beg and tell them how much The Company means to you and how great an opportunity it is to work for them its so masturbatory
1. Rub Vaseline on your pulse points before spraying your perfume to make the scent last longer.
2. Make your nail polish dry faster by soaking your nails in ice water after painting them.
3. Spray bobby pins with strong-hold hairspray before using for better grip to keep your updo in place.
4. Crush up that sparkly eyeshadow that you never use and mix it with clear nail polish for your own custom shade.
5. Apply baby powder before mascara for thicker-looking lashes.
6. If your mascara is getting clumpy, place it in hot water for five minutes to make the formula like new again.
7. Use a banana peel and a dry toothbrush for DIY teeth whitening. Just take a piece of the inside of the banana peel and gently rub around on your teeth.
8. Fix broken eyeshadow by adding drops of rubbing alcohol and pressing it together with the back of a spoon.
9. On days when you’re wearing shoes without socks, spray dry shampoo on your feet to keep them dry.
10. Put your nail polish in the fridge for 15 minutes before you apply it, as it foes on much smoother.
as we grow older, we are taught to put homework first, always. we are taught to set aside our interests to complete busy work. we are taught to indulge in time fillers, rather than doing what we really want. and so then, once in a blue moon, when we happen to have a day of no work, we don’t know what to do with ourselves. we forget what it means to be spontaneous; we learn to sit at a desk and focus. and I think that’s a shame
ImagineCreateDevour 