simonalkenmayer:

simonalkenmayer:

vampireapologist:

simonalkenmayer:

vampireapologist:

simonalkenmayer:

vampireapologist:

It’s been five years when is a vampire going to read my blog and then show up to kick my ass

Vampires do not exist, but I read your blog.

THIS IS A HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS RESPONSE…

Is it? Or have you been studying the wrong monster?

I want to know the science of using a hollowed-out chest cavity as an over for baking and I’m being genuine. Wouldn’t my skin burn before my hands cooked? And why my hands?

Oh…my dear child.

Firstly, I would take your hands so that you could never type such ridiculous things. I would then dissever your limbs, possibly taking all the major joints too, to stuff within the chest cavity. The organs and skin must be removed, you see, for they cook at different temperatures. Joints have a great deal of collagen, and will melt quite nicely. I would then stuff all the remaining spaces full of vegetables and other types of game, deboned of course, to create a tidy little bundle. This would be wrapped in foil – or if we are doing this in the old fashion – clay, and then baked and a low temperature for many many hours. I could see it done in the method of the Hawaiian pig roast, buried in a bit , or perhaps even like a suckling pig. To serve, I would simply use the ribs as a guideline, slicing between. If cooked properly, the spinal and costal joints will separate nicely. And each cross section will be a lovely mess of slow cooked perfection. Leaving all the little bones free to be tossed aside, all their lovely meat and nutrients leached into the stew.

That is how I would do it.

I apologize if this finds you squeamish. I can understand how discussing your own roasting might be unnerving. Take comfort that we are so far apart…

Enough people have asked that I made an attempt to go back and find Simon and my first conversation. Some of it is missing, like the initial “chest oven” comment when he actually said he’d cook and eat my hands, but here it is.

A few weeks later, we bonded over Naruto so like. Is the moral of the story to befriend strangers online who literally say they’ll eat your hands?

I GUESS

-Molly Anne