wAIT hold up tell me this story about how hades almost started the apocalypse because a dude fell through the ceiling?????

swaglexander-the-great:

Alright kids, y’all better sit down and listen to this long and kind of hilarious but sad tale:

This war started between Thebes and the Argives (or the Seven heroes who all pretty much died) because Zeus wanted a war and because somebody killed Dionysus’ tigers.  Amphiaraus, or Ceiling Dude, as we know him, knew he was going to die in this stupid-ass war. However, his wife got bribed with a blinged-out necklace to talk him into going. This didn’t end well for either party, because Amphiaraus, being a troll, told his son to kill the lady if he didn’t come back. He obviously didn’t come back, so his son killed her and then was plagued by Furies for the rest of his miserable life because he killed his mother. So is Ancient Greek life. ANYWAY. So, they were fighting all heroically and everything when Amphiaraus kinda notices Apollo on his chariot and is like, ‘dude, gtfo my chariot, I’m not going to die while you’re sitting on it.’ because he wants to die(?) Apollo cries, then leaves. Then the ground shakes and opens up and scares the bejeeezus out of everybody, but Amphiaraus just rides his chariot in all casual like, like ‘goodbye friends’ and vanishes. 

Meanwhile, Hades is sitting happily in the Underworld, doin his job, minding his business when this dude falls through his ceiling and leaves a giant-ass hole to the sky in it. Understandably, Hades is like ‘what?? wtf dude??? why??’ He then thinks it’s one of his brothers sending him a little challenge so he goes off and says “YOU WANT A CHALLENGE HUH?? HUH?? I’ll start the dAMN APOCALYPSE yeeeah boi you didn’T SEE thaT COMING! I’ll set all the giants free, I’ll set yo dad Kronos free, I’ll fcuking set all the shit free, I’ll turn the sky black and you can haVE SOME ZOMBIES TOO DO YOU WANT THAT ZEUSY PIE??” Then he kinda notices Amphiaraus and starts very reasonably grumping about heroes, about the two dudes who tried to kidnap his wife, Herakles beating up his dog and then stabbing Hades for trying to save his dog, and Orpheus (but he kinda liked Orpheus). He like ‘I don’t go into YOUR fckuing kingdom and mess up YOUR shit!?! The ONE time I did was to get me a wife and I even asked permission!! Like, zero percent of gods do that!’

After Hades realizes that this was not an attack on his kingdom after all, he keeps the dude who broke his ceiling in the Underworld (I’d like to think his penance in the Underworld would be to fix Hades’ ceiling) and sends up a Fury to fuck shit up. He’s then also decides to teach the annoying heroes a lesson and curses one of them to go forth and eat brains (which he does, much to Athena’s disgust; she was going to make him immortal, but the brain-eating grossed her out too much so she noped outta that one). He’s also like ‘Hey Zeus, bro, do you like the look of rotting corpses when you peer down from on high? cause guess what thERe’S gONNA be a shiT TON of theM HAHHAHA.’ And true to his word, a load of the dead don’t get buried, and Zeus probably looked down and was like ew wtf Hades. Lesson learned: Don’t fuck with Hades.

So that’s the wonderful Greek story about Hades almost starting the apocalypse because a dude fell through his ceiling, a man who ate brains and grossed out Athena and a stupid war because Zeus was like lol, let’s have a war. Ancient Greeks. I love em.